A lot’s happening in my little world!
I’m buying a house (omg what!), going deeper in my important relationships, and making space to create art about The Stuff (read on for a less vague definition of The Stuff). I’m feeling excited, nervous, happy, and scared.
I’ve been describing my recent experience like this: I’m standing still in the water at the fork of a fast moving river.
To one side is everything I’ve ever wanted and so much more: well-being, free-flowing creative expression, pleasure, intimacy, connection, care, contribution, and meaningful surprises. It’s a chapter of life unfolding more beautifully than I can imagine on my own.
The entry cost on that path is this: go with the flow, take impeccable care of myself, and make art about The Stuff. “The Stuff” feels so vulnerable and wonderful: sober recovery, sexuality, and magic. The last of the invisibility spells that have been cast upon me will have to be dismantled. I’ll need to set boundaries with some family members around looking at my art and writing. And I’ll experience enormous relief in allowing what wants to come through me, to come.
On the other fork in the river is self-implosion. It’s binge watching Netflix. Overdosing on processed sugar. Burying myself in hell-making relationship patterns of co-dependency. Self-sabatoging at work. Not making any art, because it’s easier to numb out entirely than to feel the pain of censoring the stories that are knocking at my inner door to be shared. On that path I might not disappoint or elicit discomfort from anyone I care about. On that path I won’t need to take risks or be truly seen as who I am. On that path, I could live as a half-ghost, not really here, dissociated from my life.
It seems obvious to choose that first path I described, and I think I will.
However, for the last few weeks (months) I’ve been holding onto the reeds at the fork in the river for dear life, getting kind of beat up by the relentless current, considering what it would be to take the self-suffocating second path I described, or the self-liberating first path where I surrender to what’s coming next for me.
As I prepare to let go, and travel down the watery path of being seen, allowing, and sharing, these nuggets have been helping me out enormously:
– I’m not behind, I’m right on time. I’m getting ready to be ready. Thank you Abraham-Hicks.
– Pain and discomfort are resistance. Don’t add to it by resisting the resistance.
– Fear is excitement without breathing. Fear is a bridge between where I am and where I’m going.
It feels really good to type these words and to experience the gift of you witnessing my path as you read about where I’m at today. Again and again, it’s in this kind of honest sharing where I find value for myself and others on this path.
Whatever fork in the river you’re facing right now for yourself, I wish you love, ease, and the hope that you let go, tuck your hands and feet inside the boat, and allow yourself to enjoy this wild ride more and more each day.